Tuesday, September 20, 2011

My Heart

My heart is so torn.
I have no idea where to go, what to do, what to study.
Kendall says we need to be here and that's fine, it really is.
So, How to I bring my heart back to a place when it is 3,000 miles away?

Bring my heart back...please?

Can't you just see the joy of the Lord exuding through Schappoo? 

Where am I at this point in life?
I go to school, I go to work, I go to church.
I desire to be a help meet for my husband, I love him, and I serve him. Where do I WANT to be? I WANT to be with the Indians of the Amazon rainforest living in a hut translating the Bible into unreached people group's language. Schapoo's people group doesn't have a Bible they can understand and I want tot give that to them. Now and only now will I be satisfied doing that. I know everything there is to know about being a missionary. Now is the perfect time for us to go

There's a lot of "don't knows" at this point and there are some things I do know. I know God is teaching me a lot and I need to keep learning.

My Tikuna babies.

 Since taking our Perspectives class my focus has changed from the meeting the physical needs of people to meeting their main need...giving them the Gospel. Compassion for people only goes so far as motivation for the mission field. I have to admit that it has probably been my motivation in the past and when I come back stateside without being able to meet the needs of people physically I am discouraged. Compassion doesn't sustain, the Lord does. I now realize that this is not my job, the world is never going to be a better place and it will only get worse until Jesus comes back. Don't write me off as Mrs. Negative yet. There is not a problem with meeting the needs of people...we SHOULD do this on a regular basis. The problem comes whenever we forget to meet their spiritual need. What is a glass of water without the sharing of what Jesus did on the cross? Yes, I satisfied them for now physically, but did I meet their eternal need? I now realize this as a door to sharing the gospel with people rather than my main focus. Think of Jesus with the woman at the well. He met her physical need, but also her spiritual need. His main mission on earth was not meeting the needs of people but carrying out the kingdom of His Father. I want to think Eternally first and then meet the temporary need. While Kendall was in Colombia he helped put a water purifier in a village. When they finished they were able to give an illustration of how God takes our sins away and makes us clean again by showing them a bottle of dirty water, putting it through the system and showing them the clean water. They got it, they understood it the Gospel while they met their physical need.

Youth service with 7 Indian tribes in the Indigenous church.

I guess what I am really saying is that I feel the Gospel gets lost when our focus stays on a feeling of compassion rather than the MANDATE we have been given since the beginning of time. So really, I've been caught up in the idea that missions is only for overseas and I forget that I am always on Missions. I don't have to be overseas caring for sick children, trekking through the jungle, or anything of that sort to serve God. I forget I can serve Him here and now no matter where I am.

"Evangelism is not an optional accessory to our life. It is the heartbeat of all that we are called to be and do." - Perspectives

While missions has always been a part of my life I've realized that world missions takes place wherever we are. I've known this my whole life but I just really need it to take root in me so that I can be okay where I am now when I really want to be in ministry elsewhere. I will never have this time again, in this place to pour into people again. I need to take advantage of that. This has been really hard for me to admit to myself.

"Jesus, thank you for letting me be a part of what you are doing. Please allow me to be joyful no matter where I am in the world, because no matter where I am I should always be carrying out your mandate for my life. I feel blessed, privileged, and honored to be a part of your plan. Help me serve you while I am waiting.  Amen."


  1. Man, I totally get you on this. Every time I get back from a mission trip, my heart aches to get back. I too get discouraged that things are so different here. I get angry that I don't have the compassion or focus that I do overseas. There are needs here, but they are hidden a lot of times and there isn't as much as overseas. It's so easy for me to get caught up in my next trip, that I forget to be a witness here. I struggle with how to do it though. I really want to share, but how do you do it in the grocery store, you know? Anyway, thanks for these thoughts.

  2. Makes me think of that John Waller song "While I'm Waiting". I am kind of in a similar situation of "waiting" right now. I will pray for you! I came across your blog and I loved reading abt your journey and doing missions, so cool!! And yes on my blog that is Meg Johnston! :) (small world I found your blog because my other friend Rachel Manley was showing us your beautiful wedding pictures)

  3. @Jennifer
    I will be honest I don't think i know HOW to minister like I do overseas here in the states. I think I really need to figure it before I go overseas because if I don't do it regularly here I am not sure I can keep it up consistently overseas. :/ Seriously, Perspectives is rocking my world right now...

    @Hannah I love me some Rachel! :) My husband works for Meg's Aunt and Uncle and I played soccer with her. haha. Do you go to Lamar?

  4. Oh ok cool! No I'm not going to school right now, just working. Hoping to go to school in Dallas next fall though.

  5. I am at Lamar now after transferring from University of North Texas. I am actually trying to do the same! I am going to try and get my masters from the Graduate Institute of Applied Linguistics and we both want to go to Christ for the Nations. I miss the Dallas area so much. :(

  6. Ahh so cool!! I am working right now and trying to save up some money to hopefully go to Christ for the Nations! My boyfriend is there right now, I am hoping to go Fall 2012 :)


Your comments make my day. :) Thanks for stopping by and I will try my best to respond to each comment made.
Also, don't forget to leave your blog address if you have one, I would love to check it out and stop by to say hello in your space.