Monday, February 13, 2012

Come to me, child.

My hope is that I will always remain honest on this little blog of mine. I never want to pretend like someone I'm not and I don't want to hide behind a mask of perfection. I choose to leave out the negative things and the struggles most of the time because I enjoy the good things and it is what I want to remember.

The truth is that every season of my life isn't always good. There are seasons of harvest, joy, and laughter, but there are also seasons of drought, pain, trial, and grieving. I am positive, this is the same for everyone.

If I were to be honest with you, I'd tell you I am in a season of hurting and grieving yet I haven't given the time or the attention to heal. It is so easy to know the verses and the words to comfort but to really let them take root in your heart can be a lot harder. It is so easy to fill my life with other things so I don't have to confront what I really feel. It can get so easy to just go through the motions

 I feel so distant from God.
I read my Bible, yet I feel like I don't hear the words.

I do not enjoy going to church... at least not my home church.
Yesterday, was hard. It was the first time it really sunk in that Emily isn't coming back.

"her absence is like the sky, spread over everything"-c.s. lewis

Picture 69

She isn't there. I sat next to her every Sunday as we watched our husband's lead worship. I whispered to her every Sunday..."I always feel like we are sister's, watching our husband's proudly in the audience." She was (and still is) Caleb's biggest supporter. I grieve for him too, because I seem to feel other people's pain. I hurt for and with him, but I know it isn't the same. I grieve for her parents, family and her childhood friends who miss her.

I grieve for the memories that never were, like the ones of children and couple retreats. The little ones too, like complaining about our professors and giggling at our husband's ridiculous conversations they have. I miss cooking with her and drinking wine while we talked and laughed. Oh, her laugh.... It was contagious. I've lost family before but losing a friend, this is my first. It is much different and it is hard.
She was a newer friend of mine and I hated that I only had such I short time with her. I am selfish. I wanted more. 

When we got back from Peru, I was really doubting God on why he had us back in my hometown. I was really frustrated and it confused me. It took me a while to rid myself of my bitterness. Come October, things were getting better. I was happy to be meeting new friends and was seeing a different side of my hometown that my high school me didn't see.  

One day, I had an overwhelming feeling of peace and I finally felt like things were settling for the first time in a long time, it was even getting harder to think about moving because of the friends I have come to love so dearly. There were so many things to look forward to with all of our friends.
So many of us were starting new seasons of marriage and we all had plans to grow together. We were making traditions, traditions that were supposed to happen more than once....

This is supposed to be the best times of our lives, so why isn't it? It feels as if we have had many trials  since we've been married, but I know others have gone through more. I remember thinking before we got married "I can't wait to finally get married so we can rest and just be married." That season of rest hasn't come yet, but maybe it will come quickly and maybe it is still far away. I hope it comes with the Spring, like a breath of fresh air. Now, many good and exciting things have come too. I don't want to forget that.

There is a time for everything.
         and a season for every activity under heaven.....

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

Come to me, all you who are wear and burdened and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28

I haven't been finding my comfort in Him. Maybe because I'm a little mad that I don't understand His plans, but I know He has received Glory through her death. My prayer is this: that I will learn to take comfort in Him and be content with whatever season I am in, for however long it may be. To live for Him everyday and stay in His will for my life. I yearn to grow more like Him everyday and love my husband unconditionally because I just don't know how long I might have with him.


  1. Praying for you, sweet girl. Praying that God in His infinite grace would come to you so sweetly. Thanks for being honest and open.

  2. In time you will heal. I'm sorry you lost your friend. I know exactly what it is like. As far as your marriage goes, it will always be work. You guys will be tested time and time again. If you have a strong marriage, which is sounds like you do, you guys will work through it. Keep a smile on that beautiful face, things will turn around. My heart is with you. :)

  3. You spoke my heart. I will pray for you, friend.

  4. stumbled onto your blog and just wanted to show some blog luv! it does take time...but it will always be hard. def in my thoughts and prayers

  5. Breanne, I'm praying for you in the hope that your burden is lifted. I can't imagine how hard things must be right now with Emily not there. Emily sounds like a wonderful lady and she'll be watching you from heaven, I believe it. Just know that you have a friend in me and all your other blog readers and we're thinking and praying for you in this time of struggle and unrest. Much love x- Berni

  6. Praying for you Breanne! I hope that season of rest and joy comes your way this spring =) Much love!

  7. Wow. I have never lost a close friend, so I can only imagine the pain your heart is in. God will heal all of the wounds in time. It sounds like Emily was a very special person and I hope you'll soon experience peace. I'll say a prayer..

  8. Oh friend, my heart hurts so much for you reading this. Thank you for your transparency. I cannot imagine what you are experiencing. I can, however, relate to some of the emotions as far as your spiritual life is like right now. I don't know if I'm pushing God away or what but I kind of feel like I am. With the big move coming and a few difficult situations recently, I just feel like I want to ignore Him and "handle" everything on my own. However, it's exhausting and I am once again finding that I am not enough (when will I learn?).

    It's so hard to allow ourselves to feel - really feel - the bad emotions of life. I am very good at compartmentalizing in my mind and heart. I'm trying to learn how to do this appropriately but still allow myself to feel every emotion I'm feeling.. .all the while not letting them dictate my life/actions/behavior. Ugh. It's so hard! Can you see how torn I am even just writing this?

    Anyway, I hope that you are able to find the healing that you need. Have you considered a counselor? Josh and I are looking into that ourselves right now. Some things are too difficult to navigate on our own!

  9. I'm new to your blog but just want to offer you a little encouragement!
    I sense you're very wise and have a beautiful heart for God - I am a firm believer that God gives us valleys and hardship in order to draw us closer to Him. even in this season of doubt, sadness, loss, or anger (and you're allowed to be "angry" with God - tell Him about it, talk to Him!) He is molding you and shaping you more and more into who You are purposed to be for Him! the sadness and pain that you feel is but for a moment! i'm sure you "know" all of this, but hopefully you appreciate the assurance. even when you don't want to, seek Him! you knoooow it's worth it! praying for you lady :)


  10. Hey Breanne, it's Mattie. I didn't want to create an account just to leave a comment so I'm posting as anonymous simply to avoid the sign-up, not to keep my identity from you. I just saw this blog today and I appreciate your honesty so echoes a lot of my own thoughts and struggles. I relate to the feelings of not hang enough time with Emily, of expecting to have time after all of the madness of our back to back to back weddings had passed to give us all a chance to just rest and enjoy each other, of wishing I could have just had the chance to tell her good-bye. Tim and Caleb are such goofy guys, such brothers when they get around each other, and I love that for them, but I feel like a 3rd wheel without Emily around for our girl talk. I had so many plans that just naturally included Emily and Caleb being a part them and now it kind of feels unnatural to keep going. I know how you feel about being at church without Emily...I haven't been there much since she died because it's so hard. We've been going other places so we still get worship and the message (even though I honestly can't let go anger enough to get into it much yet, but I'm trying) without the constant reminder that she's not there. I think of her every day, miss her especially on the weekends when we always hung out with them, think of her birthday coming up this month, of Caleb's birthday coming up in June, of their anniversary in just feels like there are so many emotional land mines waiting at every step. I feel distant from God too...sometimes I even feel like I want the distance because I'm still just not willing to accept that He let this happen. I know that's not right but it's just how I feel right now. And yet, I still see Him at work and I know you do too. Even when we are angry with Him, I know He's still trying to show us His love. Thanks for being her friend, for missing her, for loving her...even though I wish I could spare you from it, it's good to have a friend who understands a lot of what I am also going through in all of this. If I only remember one thing from this ordeal, I hope that it is to never take those you love for granted. I've always tried to remember that but it's even more important to me now. I love you and Kendall and I am so grateful that you guys are a part of our lives now and always...we have walked through both the mountains and the valleys together. I hope that our season of rest and rejoicing is coming soon. <3 MCR


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